Tofu
by QueenOfTheYaoi
Summary: Sort of a crack-ish fic.  Ever have someone bug the crap outta you about the things you like to eat?  Well, now it's Vincent and Cloud's turn to get harassed.  Fun times.  XD  Rated T, basically for Reno and Cid.  :3


Cloud and Vincent stared down at the two plates in front of them, each holding a jiggling mass of white "food" that Tifa had given them.

"…What is this?" They asked in unison. Cloud had asked in a way that implied that he wanted to know why it was given to them. Vincent was literally asking what the substance was, never having seen it before. Cloud shot Tifa a glare as Vincent continued to stare curiously at the contents of his plate.

"It's tofu." Tifa said with a shrug, as if it were the most obvious thing in Gaia. Vincent raised an eyebrow.

"To…fu…? I've never heard of a cuisine called tofu…" The gunman said, now gently poking the white block with the fingers of his human hand. Cloud scoffed.

"It isn't cuisine, it's the disgusting Wutaian crap that Yuffie eats to stay thin." Tifa rolled her eyes.

"It's not that bad. Besides, it's healthy." She said, now returning the glare Cloud was sending at her. Vincent continued to prod the tofu with childlike interest.

"It's…slimy. Is it supposed to be slimy?" He asked, looking up at Tifa with crimson eyes glowing with raving paranoia.

"Yes." Tifa and Cloud answered in sync, Cloud sounding like he was proving a point while Tifa sounded as if she was trying to reassure the ex-Turk. Vincent blinked at them, then back at his plate. He pushed it back towards Tifa.

"No, thank you."

"Sorry Vince, you got no choice." She said, pushing the plate back in front of Vincent. Cloud watched, amused, as the plate continually slid back and forth on the bar between the two, the tofu jiggling with every motion. Eventually, Vincent sighed, sounding very much defeated by his bartender friend, and allowed the plate to rest in front of him once more. Cloud laughed quietly, and Vincent sent him a look that basically said, "Don't laugh. You're in the same boat, dumbass.", although the quiet man would never use those words. Cloud was the only one who knew Vincent well enough to be able to read his eyes, and right now his eyes were telling the blonde to shut the hell up or risk getting a bullet through the head. The blonde looked back at Tifa, who was smirking victoriously.

"What did we do to deserve this? I want real food…" Cloud almost whined at his friend. Vincent nodded in agreement.

"Surely this wouldn't be of much…nourishment, would it?" He murmered, now holding the plate at eye level and shaking it, just to see the tofu wiggle. "It's a dancing block of caramelized bean curd." Tifa sighed.

"I'm snapping you two out of your bad eating habits." She said with another nonchalant shrug.

"What bad eating habits?" They said in sync. The blonde and the raven haired man looked at each other, both briefly wondering how they were saying the same thing at the same time, and then looked back at Tifa. Tifa raised an eyebrow.

"Wow, I swear you two are sharing a brain sometimes." She remarked with a giggle.

"As do I, but back on topic. What bad eating habits?" Vincent replied, keeping his voice cool. Tifa nearly flinched at Vincent's tone, an icy chill traveling up her spine. She looked at Cloud for reassurance, only to see he was still glaring at her.

"Well, Cloud eats strawberry pop tarts for breakfast, lunch, and dinner."

"…He does?" The gunman asked, sending Cloud a critical yet amused smirk that could barely be seen over the collar of his cloak. Cloud saw it regardless and flushed red. He slammed his forehead on the bar and groaned.

"Dammit, Tifa, I don't have a pop tart problem!"

"Oh, don't you?" Tifa disappeared from sight as she dug underneath the bar. She resurfaced moments later and held up an empty economy size pop tart box. Vincent silently stared at it. "I bought this less than a week ago, and they're already gone." Tifa put the empty box on Cloud's head. Cloud groaned again and picked the box up just enough to peer up at Vincent. Seeing the amused look in Vincent's crimson eyes, he sighed and admitted defeat, slumping back down on the bar and letting the box cover his head. The gunslinger held back a chuckle and attempted to lift the box up, only to have Cloud pull it back down in an attempt to hide his reddening face.

"Well it's not like anyone else was gonna eat them..." The blonde whined, sounding rather like a teenager again at that point. Tifa just giggled.

"And Vincent binges on jalapeno poppers every day." And just like that, Vincent and Cloud switched roles. Box forgotten and thrown in a random direction behind him, Cloud leered at his raven-haired friend in a look that could only be saying, "Ooh, karma time, Vinny baby".

"Oh does he now?" The blonde said in a calm voice that was accusing at the same time. Vincent just cleared his throat and stared absentmindedly at his uneaten tofu.

"I am in no way addicted to those little morsels of pepper and cheese." Tifa rolled her eyes and smiled happily.

"You're just in denial, sweetie. Here, I'll bring you proof." She said, walking over to the freezer. Tifa opened it and gestured inside of it. The freezer held several boxes of jalapeno poppers, all of which had a sticky note on it written in Vincent's fancy handwriting. Tifa pulled off a note and handed it to Cloud.

_Property of Vincent Valentine_

_Any who dare to touch them shall be pounced on by Galian Beast_

The last line made Cloud grin, knowing full well that Vincent only released his demons in cases of emergency or when he was really pissed off. The blonde silently wondered which of those two categories a stolen box of poppers would fall into. A Vincent fighting for the sake of Gaia is scary. A Vincent fighting because he's holding a food grudge on someone is even scarier. Cloud smirked and secretly hoped for the latter, just to see the poor sap who didn't heed Vincent's warning get chased down and pounced on.

"Wow, Vincent, you really are addicted to them." He said in a not so shocked tone.

"No, I'm not." The vampire look-alike replied, crossing his arms and very nearly pouting.

"Yes you are." Cloud and Tifa said in sync. Vincent defiantly shook his head and glared at his friends. Cloud sighed.

"Fine, more proof then." Cloud stood up and rummaged through the bar freezer. He pulled out a box of Vincent's poppers and held it over the trashcan with two fingers. Vincent stared, wide eyed.

"Don't you dare," He growled. Cloud smirked again and put the box back in the freezer, returning to his seat beside Vincent.

"We have food problems," Cloud confirmed, nodding as if the gesture would reassure the truth in the statement. Vincent opened his mouth to say something witty, but closed it when he couldn't actually think of anything to say. So instead, he addressed Tifa.

"Alright, I admit it, Cloud and I have issues with certain foods. But why are we the only ones being subjected to…that?" He asked, looking at the tofu with a look of disgust and/or paranoia. Cloud crossed his arms and glared at Tifa again.

"Yeah, why are we the only ones? Reno lives off spicy foods, Cid and Barret only eat meat, and Yuffie got Rude addicted to _sweets_!" At this, Tifa raised an eyebrow.

"Who said you were my only two victims? Follow me." She said, giving them the come here motion with her finger before walking into the bar's kitchen. Vincent and Cloud glanced at each other and followed her. When they reached their destination, their jaws went slack.

Barret and Rude were tied to chairs, with Cid wrapped from his pecs to his thighs in duct tape, and Reno was thrashing in a straitjacket. Reno and Cid had their mouths taped shut.

Eyebrows disappearing into their hairlines, they turned slowly to look at the brunette woman.

"I had Tseng here earlier, but he ate his tofu right away and left. Cissnei and Reeve, too. But these four," She sighed and shook her head, "they've been here all day. They just won't eat the stuff." Turning their attention to Tifa's captives, Cloud and Vincent watched in disbelief as Cid and Reno muttered incoherencies behind the duct tape binding their lips. Rude and Barret were calm, but Barret looked noticeably disheveled, and the men came to the conclusion that Barret had given up his hopes of escaping, and that Rude hadn't struggled to begin with.

"Aww damn, she got Vince and Spiky now, too!" Barret said, disappointed.

"You two might want to run," Rude muttered, keeping his head down out of obvious embarassment at being caught by Tifa, of all people. Although, the fact that it was Tifa was the only thing that prevented him from putting up a fight. Reno managed to get into a sitting position and mumbled something through the tape that sounded sort of like "I want to say something". Hence why Vincent went and yanked the tape off.

He obviously had forgotten that duct tape hurt like hell when it gets ripped off.

"AAAGH, SHIT, MAN! TIFA, I SWEAR TO INFRIT I'M GONNA FUCKIN' SMOTHER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP WHEN I GET OUTTA- MMMPH!" Reno's ranting was cut off when Cloud snatched the tape from Vincent and put it back over Reno's mouth. Tifa giggled.

"It's a shame, they're making this way harder than it has to be." She said with a weary sigh. Vincent and Cloud looked at each other.

"...I'll get the tofu," Cloud said, defeated, walking back to the bar to retrieve the plates.

"I'll get some hot sauce," Vincent replied, going to the fridge. They either downed the food, or got hog-tied.

And Hell if they both wouldn't need reinforcements to eat Tifa's so called "health food".

.o.O.o.

A/N- Don't mess with a Tifa on a mission. Lol. XD I'm not sure whether this falls under the definition of a crackfic or not. It was random, that's for sure. I literally had the idea about two seconds after I woke up one morning. XD It was fun to write. :3 I tried my best to keep them in character, but I think I failed. If I did, kindly tell me so I can fix them up a bit for next time, kay? Tell me if you liked it or not too. I've been doubting my writing abilities lately... T.T But reviews will make me happy again, even bad ones. ^^


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